in your atmosphere.

I haven’t got much of it lately. Ever since last Thursday night, the most I’ve slept has been 5 hours. I stay up late to talk to my favorite because she wakes up when I’m about to fall asleep. Then in the morning, when I wake up to turn around or whatever, I remember that my favorite is awake, and that she’s still going through her day. So I decide to text her, and my sleepyness goes away. I’d rather talk to her until she goes to sleep, rather than sleep myself.

Sleep hasn’t been my buddy for the past week, and I feel like sleep won’t really be comforting until I get back home. The fact that I’d rather talk to my favorite triumphs my need and want of sleep. It’s probably not good for my body, nor is it healthy, but anything’s worth it for my favorite.

Besides, talking to my favorite is way more fun than sleeping :)

<3

Everyone makes mistakes; and I’m no exception to that rule. Sometimes mistakes are made because they are out of your control. However, there are those times where you make mistakes; where your actions lead you to doing something stupid, therefore making said mistakes.

I made two very silly, and stupid mistakes over the past twenty four hours. And they costed me. Possibly costed me love, trust, belief, and possibly even my best friend.

I’m a believer in “everything will be okay”, because in the end, no matter how long it takes, it will be okay. Everything works out in the end, and sometimes it’s just a rough patch. A bump in the road. I believe that this time in my life is just a big speed bump in the road. I should be over the hump around the end of June.

I’ve done some stupid shit in my twenty one years of living. But there’s one thing in my life I know I did right; that I’m absolutely, positively certain that I did right. And that’s my favorite. I know she’s the thing I did right in my life so far. Having her in my life is the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. I’m so lucky to be with her.

There are some things that make me sure that she’s the one I should be with. Not for the things she’s done, or for the things that she’s said. But it’s for the things she hasn’t done, or hasn’t said yet. In my opinion, she has to have some magical, impulsive feeling about me. We haven’t been talking or dating for too long, but she has done things that no one has ever done for me before. A great example of that is loving me. And she has this way of telling me things at the most perfect time to make everything seem okay. I don’t know what it is. It’s like it’s just built-in. I don’t know if it’s built-in intuitiveness about me, but she knows everything about me, without even having to know that much.

What amazes me is her ability to know what to do and say, at the right moment, even when she’s eight thousand miles away, and sleeping. When I left for the Philippines last Friday, she told me she had little surprises for me, and that I should start checking my backpack. I found a note in there. It was pretty long, and it was just what I needed at the time. We had just said goodbye to each other, which was very tough on both of us. The plane I was on had just took off, and I was devastated that I had to leave my favorite behind. But then, I was reminded of that note. I took it out of my backpack and I read it. It was perfect. She knew just what to say to make me feel better; even if she wasn’t there. Reading that note made traveling a little bit easier. It made me feel a lot better.

Better yet, there was more. At the end of the first note, it lead me to a next one; which was in my wallet. I was at Japan at this point when I read it. It was a continuation of the first note, and just had more cute little stuff in it. Then that note lead me to a third one which was in my headphones case. Another note of cute little things. Just perfect. The third note said that it had one more. One final note, and that I had to find it. I searched all of my carry on baggage, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I was actually Skyping with my favorite at the airport, and I was begging her to tell me where the last note was, but she wouldn’t tell me. Good thing she didn’t.

I’ve been here in the Philippines for pretty much five days now. I came to the conclusion after searching all of my carry on baggage that the last note was somewhere in my check-in luggage. For the past five days, I haven’t unpacked any of my things. All of my clothes were still in their respective suitcases, and haven’t been touched. My favorite frequently asked me if I ever found the last note, and I said no. And she always responded with “It’s okay, you’ll find it in time. And just when you need it most.”

Today was the day I needed it most. Going back to those two mistakes I made in the past twenty four hours, I made my favorite upset. I hurt her feelings, and that’s something I never wanted to do. She means the world to me, and I could never imagine losing her.

After talking to her about it, I was still upset. Upset at myself, upset at the situation, and upset at the fact that I’m eight thousand miles away, and I can’t do anything about it. 

Earlier, I was in my grandfather’s room, unpacking my suitcases. I remembered that I had yet to find the last note. As I was unpacking the last of my stuff, I finally found it. I put it in my pocket, and finished unpacking the rest of my belongings. After, I rushed upstairs to my room, sat on the bed, and read the last of the four notes.

Once again, it was perfect. It was just what I needed. I’m still amazed at how she knows me so well. That even when she’s eight thousand miles away from me, sleeping tight in her bed, she can work magic. She can make everything okay, and she knows exactly what to say. 

There were two main points that I extracted from the note. One, is that she loves me. All the time. That no matter what’s happening, whether I’m eight thousand miles away, or whether we’re fighting, she still loves me. Not sometimes. But all the time. I’m so grateful to have such an amazing girl feel that way about me. And I feel so lucky. The second point is that we’re best friends. I love that about us. I love that my favorite and I were friends before we started dating. We were close friends to begin with, and now we’re best friends. There’s no one in the world that I trust more than her. I tell her everything. There’s no need to hide anything from her because no matter what, I know she’ll understand and that she’ll still accept me as who I am. She’s my best friend. And I miss her so much. I think it hurts to miss your girlfriend when you go away, but it hurts much more when you miss your girlfriend and best friend because they’re one person.

I’m lucky to have my favorite. She means the world to me, and I love her with all my heart. This love won’t be perfect; however I think there’s a beauty in that. There’s always room to grow. More room to love, and more room to become closer. I love what my favorite and I have together, and I would never trade it for anything else in the world.

I’m sitting in my bed, with the fourth note next to my computer, lightly being blown by the air conditioner in the room. My cousins are downstairs ready to start a night of drinking. I’m feeling kind of tired, and not really in the mood to drink, but I’ll join them just for the fun. However, I think I’ll read the fourth note a couple more times before I head downstairs.

“Nothing else matters” is our motto, and I’m holding on to that.

These past couple of days have been the most difficult days of my life. I don’t know what I’m going to do for the remainder of my stay here in the Philippines.

A couple of days ago I had to take a plane and leave my favorite for six weeks. That day I left her was one of the toughest things I ever had to do. And it’s still breaking my heart.

This morning, I was on FaceTime with my favorite. We were talking, just like we normally do, although we both knew that were both hiding pain. It’s currently 1:08 AM, and I’ve had quite an amount of Johnnie Walker. However, in the conversation that I had with my favorite earlier in the day there were two things that kept on replaying in my mind. The first thing was when my favorite and I were on FaceTime, there was a pretty long silence. I stared at my favorite and I saw her face started to change. Her mouth started to turn into a frown and she started to tear. Then she managed to say “come home now” when she started to break down in tears. It broke my heart. It broke my heart to see her like that. It broke my heart that I couldn’t do anything to make her feel better. And it broke my heart because I couldn’t come home.

The second thing was when I said “I love you”. She didn’t say it back. Rather than saying it back, she started to cry and said, “No. I can’t even say it to your face.” There was a brief pause as she sobbed. “I have to say it through this damn,” she took her hand and hit her computer, “piece of metal.” She then proceeded to cry some more and it made me so upset. She was right. We couldn’t even say “I love you” directly to each other. We had to rely on technology to get the message across. It sucked. It made me so upset. And the fact that I couldn’t do anything about it made it even worse.

Those two occurrences kept on replaying in my mind all day. I couldn’t forget about them. All I could think about was her emotions spilling out, and the way she said the things she said.

I tried to carry on with my day. I tried to keep myself occupied so I wouldn’t miss her as much. But nothing really worked. I kept on thinking about her.

So later on in the evening, my family and I started to drink a little. During our drinking session, my favorite woke up and texted me. We started talking about what I did, and how I left and how much it upset her. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt horrible so I called it a night and went up to shower.

After my shower, I was still texting my favorite asking her to forgive me and that I didn’t mean to hurt her and that I felt horrible. She started talking about the possibility that this hurt might never go away, and that we were inevitably changing, and that I might even lose her. This broke my heart, and I’ve never been so scared.

I crawled in bed, tired because of the lack of sleep I had the night before, and I decided to read a tumblr post that my favorite made earlier in the day. Her tumblr post was kind of a response to mine; it was her point of view the day before and the day of my trip.

I started reading. It was difficult and it was heart wrenching. I started to tear up and cry a bit at some points, but I tried to hold it in. At this point, it’s dark in my room, the tv is on, and my cousin is next to me snoring away. I got about halfway through her tumblr post, and I just felt like crying because I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Her writing was too painful to read, and it hurt my heart. I got up out of bed and went to the bathroom to continue to read my favorite’s tumblr post. I got into the bathroom, closed the door, locked it, put down the toilet seat and cover and sat there. I read a little more. Then I just broke down in tears. I’m going to admit, I cried hysterically. I haven’t cried this much and this intense since my grandmother passed away in October.

I just couldn’t stop crying, and all I said to myself was “I don’t know what I did”, “I’m so sorry”, “I just want to go home”, and “I can’t do this/take this anymore”. The tears just wouldn’t stop coming. It hurt so much. It broke my heart just to finish that tumblr post.

The title of this post comes from a song called “Shadow Days” by John Mayer. It’s actually the opening line, and I thought that it fit my feelings exactly. I now know that I was wrong, but I swore I was right. Four months ago when I was booking a ticket for the Philippines, I thought that by me leaving for six weeks would be fine. I thought that it wouldn’t be too tough, and that my favorite and I would be able to handle it with no problem. I swore I was right. But I was wrong.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. My favorite person in the entire world is upset; and it’s my fault. Even months before my trip to the Philippines, my favorite has cried about it. She cried at the fact that in a couple of months, I’d be leaving her for six weeks. At the time, I always thought that it would be okay, and that we’d be fine, and that it wouldn’t be too difficult. Even after my favorite would cry about it, I still thought to myself that it would be okay and that it wouldn’t be too hard. But now that it’s actually here, this has been so tough on both of us. I had to leave my favorite, and she had to stay behind and watch me leave. It’s heartbreaking, and I still feel it.

I feel horrible. Absolutely horrible. The fact that I’m causing this much pain to my favorite is killing me. It makes me so upset. I haven’t enjoyed a minute ever since I left her at JFK Airport. I know that no matter how many times I say “I’m sorry”, it won’t heal the wound that I’ve caused because I’m not physically there to be with her. I was wrong.

I didn’t mean to hurt her, though. I really didn’t. She means everything to me. I don’t know what I would do if I ever lost her. Last year, I went to the Philippines and she came into my life, and I’ve loved her ever since. But this time around, I’m afraid that after I come from the Philippines again, the opposite will happen. I love my favorite so much. It’s indescribable the feelings I have for her. She means so much to me, and I really don’t know what I would do if I ever lost her.

I always tell her that “nothing else matters”. That no one, no thing, no space, no time can ever come between us. That it’s just me and her against the world. I believe in it, and I know deep down, she believes in it too.

I remember back in the beginning, where my favorite and I were still just talking, and we would miss each other a lot I would say, “We need each other. Sometimes I won’t be 100%, and I’m going to need you to help me get better. And sometimes, you’re not going to be 100%, and I’m going to be there to help you get better. We’re a team, and we’re going to be here for each other.” Well right now, I’m trying to be strong. I’m not going to lie, what we’re going through is tough, but I’m trying my hardest to be strong. I just need her to understand and be strong for me too. I need her to be strong so I could be strong. This is a team effort, and it’s about sticking together through thick and thin.

She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I can’t lose her. I just can’t. She means too much to me. I know I was wrong, and I feel terrible. All I want is to be back her arms. I just hope the next forty days fly by because I need to be with my favorite. She means the world to me.

I love you, babe.

Well, it’s been awhile since I last wrote a substantial tumblr post. A by “substantial tumblr post” I mean a post by which I pour my heart out. So get ready, because here goes what I think will be the most heart pouring I’ve ever done by way of the internet.

Currently, it is 4:52 AM. I’m laying in bed in my cousin’s house in the Philippines after a long 19 hours of traveling and an adequate amount of drinking. Please excuse me if I commit any grammatical errors. I wanted to write this tonight because the feeling inside of me is fresh, and the details in my mind are vivid.

April 19^th, 2012.

I started feeling different sometime around this day. Everything was moving too fast for my liking. This day marked a week before my birthday, and a day and three weeks until I left for the Philippines. I honestly don’t know the reason why I started feeling weird; I can’t even accurately depict what that “weird feeling” was. All I know is that I started to feel weird. In my mind, the reasons as to why this feeling occurred was that I wasn’t ready for the things that were coming up. Oddly, I wasn’t ready for my birthday. I’ve been waiting to turn 21 for years now, and the fact that it was almost happening, I wasn’t ready. It was probably because I knew that my favorite wasn’t going to be there during my birthday weekend. But I had to dismiss that fact because she had more important things to do, like study for finals. And besides, I saw her pretty much every day the week of my birthday, so that overruled it. And another reason was that I knew that my departure for the Philippines was quickly approaching. I was equally both parts excited and upset. Excited to see my family, especially my grandfather, but also upset at the fact that I had to leave my favorite for what now seems like an eternity. Why does it now seem like an eternity? Well, let me fast forward.

May 10^th, 2012.

Ever since that day that I started to feeling “weird”, every day it got worse. I knew that with every day that had passed meant that it was another day closer to leaving my favorite. Once May 10^th struck, I was just shocked. I didn’t know what to think. All I could think about was getting on a plane and leaving my other half behind for six whole weeks. I couldn’t bear the thought. Made me so sad just thinking about it.

This day was so bittersweet. It was great because my favorite and I had so much fun. But it was also upsetting because I knew that it was the last full day that we’d be together for quite sometime. My favorite came over and we ate lunch, then we popped some popcorn and watched Monsters Inc. It was my first time watching it, and it was a really good movie. But that’s besides the point. Then we picked up my mom from the train station and went grocery shopping real quick. Came home, and my favorite told me to bring down the luggage from the attic so I can start packing. She was so adamant that I was the one to bring down the luggage and not my dad. She wants me to do things for myself, and not rely on other people to do it for me. That’s just one of the ways that she makes me a better person. Anyway, I brought the luggage down and into my room. I slowly started packing, taking out the essential clothes that I needed and putting them into my luggage. Well, actually that’s a lie. I took out my clothes and my favorite neatly organized everything in my luggage. I told my favorite to sit in my luggage to see if she could fit so I could bring her with me. She looked so cute sitting in my luggage that I had to take a picture. I took out my iPhone and took a quick snapshot of her and uploaded it to Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I remember saying something along the lines of “I wish I could take you with me” and I remember the look in my favorite’s eyes. Her eyes looked so upset, like she wanted to just break down. It killed me. And all she said was “yeah, me too” then we just went back to packing.

There was something in the way she looked at my suitcase that was laying on the floor. She sat upon my bed, looking down at my suitcase. Her eyes told me everything. I knew she hated it. She hated looking at my suitcase laying on the floor with my clothes in it. She hated seeing my ticket and flight information that was sitting on my bed. And she was hurting. I knew she was. And what killed me was that I couldn’t do anything about it. It was my fault. I’m doing this to her. She looked at my suitcase with these eyes that were angry, upset and heartbroken. I knew it all. I knew how she felt.

Soon after, my mom called us down for dinner and we ate beef steak with rice and banana, along with some steak that my mom fried. I’m glad that we got to eat beef steak together because I know that that’s one of my favorite’s all time favorite foods. Anyway, after dinner it was back upstairs for packing. We finally finished packing on of my suitcases and we brought it downstairs to weigh it. Perfectly, it was fifty pounds. One suitcase down, and one more to go. So it was back upstairs to start the second suitcase. The clothes and shoes for the second suitcase were already laid out, so my favorite just organized them into the suitcase. After most of it was done, my favorite hugged me from behind. It was a tight, warm hug and I loved it. I told her to turn around so I can hug her back, but she wouldn’t let go. I then realized that she started to cry. It broke my heart. I turned around, wiped away her tears and told her that everything’s going to be okay. I hugged her and comforted her until she stopped crying.

After everything was in place, all I was missing were my toiletries. I still had to shower, so I hadn’t gotten them ready yet. Before I showered, I had my mom give me a haircut. I remember going upstairs into my room right before my haircut and my favorite was sitting in my bed writing down something which what I thought was a letter. I’ll get to that later. So I went back downstairs got my haircut then showered. After my shower, I asked my favorite if she was hungry, and of course, she was. So we heated up some cheesesteaks and we made the plan to watch Glee while we ate.

May 11^th, 2012.

I don’t remember the exact time when we started to eat and watch Glee, but I know it was past midnight. So after the cheesesteaks were heated up, we went back upstairs to eat and watched Glee. At some point, towards the end of Glee, my favorite started to cry again. Every time this happened, it broke my heart. It broke my heart because I knew what I was putting her through, and that it was my fault. I just hate to see her cry. I did my best to comfort her again, trying to hold back my tears to be strong for her.

After the tears stopped falling, my favorite asked me if we could play a videogame because she didn’t want to be sad anymore. So we ended up playing Call of Duty for a good half hour. I taught her the basics. At first, we were on a team shooting waves of bad guys. Then we ended up playing against each other which was even more fun. I kept on knifing her and running around in circles. It was really funny. She got pretty good though, killing me a couple times in a row.

After playing, it was almost 5 AM. I asked her what she wanted to do and she said was that she wanted to cuddle. So we laid in bed, and I cuddled her. It felt so good to have her in my arms. But it also made me sad because I knew this would be the last time for awhile. I asked her if she was sleepy, and she said yeah so I ended up playing No Strings Attached on Netflix, kissed her goodnight and we fell asleep.

I had my alarm set for 6:30 AM that day. I was up by 6:20 AM just at the part where Natalie Portman was shoving donut holes down her throat while she was crying because she lost Ashton Kutcher. I stared at the ceiling and thought to myself “it’s here. I can’t believe it.” I was still cuddling my favorite and I savored the moment. I made sure I gave her one really tight hug and I made sure I remembered the feeling. I kissed her on the cheek before I got out of bed. I had to get out of bed because I had to weigh my last suitcase and made sure it was under the weight limit.

After weighing the suitcase I came back to my favorite, kissed her on the cheek one more time and woke her up. We had to leave the house by 7:30 AM to make sure that I got to the airport on time. So I packed my last minute things, like my carry on, while she got ready. After she got ready, we went downstairs to say bye to my parents. Gave my parents a hug and a kiss, and they told me to just be safe. My favorite went back into my room to pack her things, and I brought my suitcases to the car and loaded them on. Went back into my house and my favorite was ready. I told her to take my blanket and my Pooh Bear with her so she could take it home. She quietly agreed.

Then we went downstairs, I grabbed my carry-ons, said bye to my grandmother, took a last look at the house and went outside. Before I went to the car, I called my dog over who was in the backyard. I gave him a pat on the head and told him to be a good boy. I walked over to my favorite’s car, put my stuff in, got in the driver’s seat and we were on our way.

Not much was said during the drive. It was mostly the Z100 Morning Zoo doing the talking. I think I knew what was going through both our minds at the time. We hit some traffic on the way to JFK International Airport. All I could think about was the time and how it was working against me. The time was ticking down to that moment where I had to leave my favorite. I just held her hand while we were driving, and didn’t let go until we finally got to the airport and parked the car.

My favorite and I got out of the car and unloaded my stuff. We held hands and walked over to the terminal. Went inside the sliding doors and went upstairs to where I had to check in. I checked in for my flight and checked in my luggage. My favorite wrote luggage tags for me. I thought it was the sweetest thing.

After checking in, my favorite and I walked around for a bit, and we decided to go back downstairs to the entrance because we saw some seats there, and we decided to just sit there and spend time with each other. We walked over to the seats, and sat down next to each other. Nothing was being said. Then I looked over to my favorite and saw a tear running down her face. I quickly wiped it away. But they just kept on coming, and she just cried. I tried my hardest not to cry because I wanted to be strong her for; strong for us. I just couldn’t hold it in and I just cried myself. Nothing was being said; just tear drops hitting the airport floor.

I managed to collect myself, and stopped crying. I wanted to say something to make it somewhat better, but I knew there was nothing I could say to make this moment hurt any less. While looking around the place we were sitting, I noticed a guy with flowers in his hands. I assumed that he was anticipating a loved one. It got me thinking, he’s probably real excited to see whoever is the recipient of those flowers. And here we are, on the opposite side of the spectrum, crying our eyes out because I’m leaving. Two completely different emotions.

Again, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I just started to cry again. I looked into my favorite’s eyes and managed to utter out “I don’t wanna go, babe.” After saying that, I started to bawl. I couldn’t contain my tears. I just cried. This moment hurt so much.

We spent about an hour or so at this area, just sitting there and crying. Not much was said the entire time. Just some phrases of “I’m gonna miss you” and “I love you”. That’s all I needed to hear. I didn’t need to hear anything else but those three words.

Inevitably, the time came where we had to go back upstairs to go through security and finally find my gate. We held hands and walked to the elevator. Silence still.

Got up to the third floor and walked over to security check. We stopped and stared. We knew that this was the moment we’ve both been dreading.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her in close and I gave her a tight hug and I started to cry once more. This time I really couldn’t hold it back. I kissed her head and dug my face in her shoulder and cried. I saw my tears fall from eyes, hit her hair, trickle through her hair, and finally splashing on her black leather jacket. I kept on crying and I told her that everything was going to be okay, and that I’d be back soon. I told her that I loved her so much. She kept crying into my shoulder. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to lose her touch.

After the tears settled for a bit, I pulled her back a little so I could wipe away the remaining tears on her face. I told her that I loved her and I gently touched her face. The time was drawing near.

I gave her a light kiss on the lips, and she told me “no, give me a real kiss.” And I gently touched her face and kissed her like I never would see her again, and I made sure that I remember what kissing her feels like.

I pulled her in for another hug, and I told her again that everything was going to be okay, and that I had to go. I whispered “I love you” in her ear, and smiled at her. Even with tears running down her face, my favorite’s smile is so beautiful. Her smile can make me feel entirely different. I love the way she smiles.

One last hug and kiss and we both turned to the entrance of security. I started to walk away slowly, still holding her hand. I gently let go and mouthed “I love you” to her as she smiled. I handed the lady my passport and boarding pass and I walked to security while frequently looking back at my favorite who was standing behind the railing. I put my belongings through bag check and walked through the detectors. Organized my stuff back into my bags and looked at my favorite one last time and I smiled and waved. In my mind I knew I should be okay, but my heart was telling me different. It was hurting. A lot. As I started to walk away, I looked at her one last time and smiled and waved again. Then that was it. She was gone. I was so heartbroken because I knew that that would be the last time I would see my favorite in about six weeks.

That walk to my terminal would be the saddest and longest walk I have ever done.

So here I am now. It’s currently May 13^th, 6:29 AM. These feelings still linger fresh in my mind, heart and body. I’m laying here in bed, currently messaging my favorite. She’s at an amusement park right now with her family having a lot of fun.

I think I accurately explained my feelings and emotions to the best of my ability that I can right now. This was really difficult and heart wrenching to type up and recall my feelings since they’re so fresh. I’m going to admit, I did cry when I wrote some parts of this. But I guess it’s good that I did this now because everything is so fresh and I can still feel every tactile sensation that I can explain it with an immense amont of emotion.

All I want to say is that I love you, Michelle Evangelista. Nothing can ever change that. You mean so much to me. I wouldn’t trade what we have for anything in the world. No matter how far apart we are, nothing’s going to change. If anything, my feelings for you will just get stronger so it can help us pull through this. You’re my best friend, and my favorite person, and I wouldn’t want anyone else to share this feeling with I love you with everything that I’ve got.

Nothing else matters, babe. It’s you and me against the world, right? You know that.

For the remainder of my stay here in the Philippines, I’ve just got to remember that:

“Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won’t all go the way it should,

but I know the heart of life is good.”